The P List: 3 Things Polyamory ISN’T (and 3 it is)

This is an article I wrote for my personal blog. I pick a topic every week (usually entertainment) and do a list article in an ongoing column I call “The P List.” This week I wanted to tackle the topic of being poly and dispel some myths. I thought others here might benefit from reading it, or having the link to throw at people who criticize their (our) lifestyles.

I don’t claim to be an expert in polyamory or in relationships in general, and I don’t claim to speak for everyone who identifies as poly. All I wanted to do is provide some information and personal experiences in the hope that outsiders will be less judgmental of the way I live and the way I love. I hope others find it helpful as well.

2 months ago 15 ♥ polyamorylifelovepolyproblemssubmission
Moron Bashes Being Poly
So I just found this Tumblr and I love it! :D I wanted to share a story I was just told about from my poly friend who ran into some trouble with a guy just recently. Here’s the story:

Its morons like this who have no idea what poly is, nor should the be in a relationship at all. This is a snippet of a conversation of a friend of mine had with an RP friend of his, minus their full screennames:

[20:23] Loki: damn ok babe np
[20:23] Loki: umm can i ask soemthing?
[20:24] Loki: is my partner supposed to know about us or dont it matter?
[20:25] Lucia: well personally I don’t believe in lying to the person you’re with. I wasn’t aware you were partnered with someone. I can’t get profiles to load for me.
[20:25] Loki: oh…
[20:26] Loki: well she dont know
[20:26] Loki: and she’d have a fit if she did
[20:26] Lucia: That’s not fair to her at all.
[20:27] Loki: oh…
[20:27] Loki: so do you want to end it then?
[20:28] Lucia: yeah. I’m not going to do that to someone else. The rp stuff is fine, but I’m not going to help with cheating. It’s not right to her. Keep in mind that doesn’t mean I want us to stop being friends.
[20:28] Loki: you do it with 3 guys!
[20:29] Lucia: that’s different from cheating.
[20:29] Loki: how is it??
[20:30] Loki: its exactly the same
[20:30] Lucia: numbers don’t matter.
[20:30] Lucia: cheating is deceptive
[20:30] Lucia: you’re lying to her and hiding things from her.
[20:30] Lucia: that’s where the difference is.
[20:30] Loki: paint it up how ever then……
[20:33] Lucia: polyamory and cheating are two different things. cheating implies a lack of respect. you are ‘cheating’ because you are lying and covering things up instead of being forthright with her. And that’s not fair to her or to yourself. if you aren’t the kind of person who can settle for just one girl then tell her that.
[20:33] Lucia: otherwise your cheating yourself as well.
[20:34] Loki: im not lying because i havent told her….
[20:35] Lucia: then you are hiding from her which is still deceptive.
[20:35] Loki: riiight…….
[20:36] Lucia: you said yourself she doesn’t know. and that if she did she’d pitch a fit. making that kind of omission is decpetive and if she found out would be hurt and betrayed.
[20:37] Loki: right i aint kickin up a drama about it
[20:37] Loki: you wanna end it thene nd it
[20:38] Lucia: I’m not trying to start drama. I’m trying to tell you that you should be honest with her. I’m not going to be the secret fling.
[20:38] Loki: says the girl with 3 guys
[20:39] Lucia: two now. and both of them know about the other. and my husband gave me his okay before I asked the other guy out.
[20:39] Lucia: I did not cheat.

4 months ago 9 ♥ polyproblemssubmission
clarity about relationship types and their implications

Alan Fiske conceived a theory of 4 main relationship types. I am only going to use 3 to illustrate this because 2 of them can be combined. 1. Dominance relationship type This could be summed up as “Don’t mess with me” and is thought to have roots in the social structure you see in modern Apes. From a human perspective it is the same model with the overarching theme of using fear to gain authority, or maintain control over others. In more complex scenarios, emotions such as shame, greed, jealously are important to motivate others. 2. Communality relationship type Can be summed up as “Share and share alike.” In this model the primary objective is to collaborate for the good of the whole. Example: if we have a school and they have a library, everyone will benefit from combining resources. 3. Resiprosity relationship type This is summed up as “You scratch my back, i’ll scratch yours. However, this differs considerably from Communality, because the intention isint to share, but gain something that someone else controls, so that you have ownership. Although this requires an agreement that may be viewed as fair. In the context of Capitalism, there may be a tendency to take advantage of someone because the outcome is usually for an individual purpose and not for the sum of the whole. They are not sharing resources, they are trading them. How these relationship types impact the concept of Poly relationships… To operate effectivly in polyamorous relationship, you have to be free of guilt, greed, selfishness, etc because those modes of thought provoke feelings that are based on dominance or self intrest, rather that sharing. It will be particularly difficult for some one who lives within the Dominance or Resiprosity mode to really believe that the other person has intentions other than dominance or self intrest. So any argument for or agianst polyamory can be understood by understanding why and where people exist in these relationship types. A sense of Communality must be present to participate.

4 months ago 43 ♥ polyamorypolyfamilylifestrugglepolyproblemscommunicationsubmission
We have this blog and its awesome!

Its about being queer and living life. A lot has to do with being poly and lives.  Everyone should check it out! We’re just starting off, but there is plenty to come! :)

http://upsideoutinsidedown.tumblr.com/

5 months ago 46 ♥ polyamorypolyfamilylifelovestrugglepolyproblemscommunicationpoly-artsubmission