Sorry it took so long for us to get back to you. Things have been hectic here. I’ve decided to break your individual questions up into parts so I can try to be concise.
1 - “do I have to ‘be’ with his other partners?”
You will need to respect his relationships with these other partners and respect each of these partners as individuals. It will be in your best benefit to get to know them at least minimally in order to have some level of trust for communication. There is no “doctrine of polyamory” that says you have to also be dating his other partners unless that’s what you both have decided consensually together.
2 - “How do I get over the feeling that comes with knowing that he has that same feelings about another person as he does about me?”
The feelings shared with any partner is different than the feeling shared with any other partner. That being said, these feelings may be expressed similarly.
Unfortunately, when it comes to jealousy, there is no easy way to “get over it”. Instead, a sense of security is built up about your relationship. There will be times when this is tried. There will be times when you feel insecure and may devalue yourself in comparison to his other partners. There will be times when things will be difficult.
Do not keep these feelings to yourself. Communicate with him and by communicating your feelings and fears, you will receive the responses you need to hear. But be warned: sometimes, they may not be the responses you want to hear.
3 - “Am I being insecure or jealous when I get weird about the thought that I’ll have to share him with other people?”
Maybe. I don’t want to make any assumptions about the emotions you’re trying to communicate here. A common issue among monogamous individuals dating polyamorous ones is the concept of “partner possession”. In polyamory, there is no partner ownership. He is a free individual, as are you. This means that through communication you both make clear what your expectations of the other are. If these expectations cannot be agreed upon, or are deemed unreasonable, either a compromise must be met, or it is in the interest of both parties to not date.
These sorts of decisions are very difficult ones to make and come to terms with. Practicing polyamory involves a very strong concept of self identity and knowledge. Without seeking the answers to these questions for yourself in your own personal belief system, you will never know for sure what will and will not work. You will never know what you are capable of.
My suggestion to you is to think very carefully about what you expect and want out of the relationship, and then consider what it is “reasonable” to ask him for in your opinion. If your concept of “reasonable” is not the same as his, then there will be problems unless these differences are resolved.
I wish I could offer more advice <3
Love Infinite,
L
FuckYeahPolyamory
Asked by suchwishfulthinking
